For all of you Windows users out there that want to actually pay for your downloaded music, I hope iTunes for Windows comes sooner than later.

iTunes is flawless for me. I am one of the people out there that want to pay my fair share. I want the artists to make more and more music. I have no beef with them. I actually have no beef with the record companies either. But a lot of people do and feel that it is ok to download music for free (read: steal) because the big bad record companies take most of the money and the artists see very little anyway. So “screw the Man!” I guess that’s what a ton of people think. Well, let your conscience be your guide, but I think it is extremely simple – you are thieves. Like it or not, things cost money. Period.

So iTunes lets me buy music how I want to; by song or by entire CD. If there are more than 1 or 2 decent songs on a CD I buy it. If not I just buy the songs that I think are good. Supposedly, there are artists out there that are unhappy with the option for me to buy just a single song. They feel that it takes away from the entire flow and experience. To that I say “bull!” Consider our ability to buy just the “good” songs your incentive to create something that does not have 1 good song on it and the rest are filler. You know you’ve had this happen over the years. I have tons of CDs that have 1 or 2 decent songs on them and the rest are complete crap. Now I can do something about it. Legally.

But I could only do it on the Mac, until last week. Buy.com came out with their competitor to iTunes called BuyMusic.com. I checked it out (while I could, more on this in a minute) and it looked so much like iTunes that I couldn’t believe that it was legal. Then I saw the commercials on the site that are exact duplicates of the Apple iTunes TV commercials. Is there really no unique thought left in this world? Tommy Lee is their spokesperson. I always liked Tommy Lee. His ad is pretty good and is worth watching. The others are just insulting.

Now, back to the “while I could” comment. BuyMusic,com will now redirect you to a new page if you are not running Internet Explorer on a Windows operating system that basically says “sorry, you need Windows and Internet Explorer to use this site.” Plus, their music is only WMA files and requires Windows Media Player 9. You can’t use the downloaded music on an iPod. An iPod! They have effectively shut out 50% of the portable music player market. Not even MP3. Brilliant.

You can find out enough about how poorly BuyMusic is being received by doing your own searching on the net, but I have been meaning to bring up that they went live. I hope the bad experience that the Windows users are having with BuyMusic.com doesn’t put a bad taste in their mouthes for purchasing music online, because I think they will really appreciate how well Apple pulls it off when they release iTunes for Windows later this year.

I took what I wrote in Parenting Is Hard seriously. I decided to step back, reevaluate, and make some deliberate changes.

I meant it when I said Parenting is Hard. It really is. For some it comes natural. For me it takes extra effort. So that’s exactly what I decided to do; put in the extra effort with the kids by spending as much time with them as possible.

I stay late at work now as little as possible. That doesn’t mean that I necessarily work less than before, but it means that I put in my regular hours, come home to actually eat with the family, play with the kids, put them to bed, and then finish things that I need to get done at work. Before I would stay at work until everything was done, and then hopefully see the kids in time to put them to bed. No more.

The payoff? It’s incredible. It’s like a totally different environment and feeling now. It’s more like I want it to be. The kids are a blast and I really do enjoy playing with them. What I think is really interesting is the unexpected reward out of this; the payoff at home has greatly reduced the stress at work. Who knew? But I’m not complaining.

When the day comes that I die, the last thing I want to be remembered for is what a hard worker I was. That’s nice and all, but I would rather be remembered for what a great husband, son, father, grandfather I was. Much more rewarding, don’t you think?

39 years going out to eat in every kind of restaurant imaginable. Tonight I did the unthinkable…

If you’ve read any of my other entries, you can probably figure out that I am not happy with my weight/appearance. I have never really looked like I wanted to that I can remember. How many of us really do? But weight is something that I have battled for as long as I can remember. Maybe it all started with having people tell me to “clean your plate” when I was little. “There are people starving in (fill in your favorite third world country here).”

So I have always done my part. Ate all my food. Cleaned my plate. Proud member of the Clean Plate Club. You name it. So imagine my surprise when we went out to eat tonight and I (gasp) could not finish all my food! I was flabbergasted. How could this be? 39 years in to the game and I lost my eating mojo? Impossible.

The waiter came by to see how we were doing and he must have been able to tell that I had been defeated by all the fish that remained on my plate. “Would you like a container for that?” “Huh?” I said. “A container?” “Sure” he said. “That way you can take the rest home (wait for it) for later.” Hmmm, for later. I had never experienced this concept before. I didn’t have to clean my plate? My membership in “the club” wouldn’t be revoked? Amazing. I could eat until I was full and then take the rest home. What’ll they think of next?

Could this be the start of something new?

There is an absolute difference between fear and respect…

My kids respect their mother. They still say things to her sometimes that I don’t think a child should say to their mother, but overall they respect and love her. You can see it in how they interact with her. It’s one of the many reasons I am jealous that she gets to stay home with the kids. She doesn’t just “get” to stay home with them, she is the only logical choice. I could never do it. As hard as I feel my job can be, I could never do hers. Stay at home parents are amazing to me. Forget the myth that you turn on the TV and walk away, or the kids are running around wild while the wife is watching soap operas. That’s just insulting. If you think that way you clearly have your head up your own ass and have no idea what really goes on.

My kids fear me. Some may think that is a good thing, but it kills me. I don’t want the fear. I want the respect. You can see it in how they interact with me. Things are not fluid. They’re tentative. Sometimes hesitant. I am apparently the authority figure in the house. Sometimes when I ask a very simple question in the most gentle voice I can muster, I can see that all it would take is another word and they are going to cry. You can see it as they start to move towards or behind their mother. Maybe my size has some to do with it. I am 6 foot, 285 lbs. Not the biggest guy in the world but definitely not the smallest either. In the eyes of a 7 and 3 year old I am probably nothing but a huge mound of rage with weight issues. The Incredible Hulk with a thyroid condition is not the image I was going for.

I guess this is partially the price one pays for working a ridiculous amount of hours at work. It’s not the relationship I want with my kids. Not by a long shot. But it is the one I have and the one that I need to find a way to improve before it’s too late. I didn’t have the kind of relationship with my parents that I wanted to have. I grew up in front of a TV and wanted that Leave It To Beaver life. My parents got divorced when I was 6. I saw my dad every 3rd weekend until I reached my early teens. Dad says that’s when I wanted to spend more time with my friends than with him, so we slowly faded apart. We’re still not as close as we should be. Mom, on the other hand, had to raise me pretty much on her own, so I didn’t get to see her as much as I wanted to either, since she worked to support us. I don’t blame either of my parents for getting a divorce. They are both so different that I still can’t believe they ended up together in the first place. Also, don’t take this as using my parent’s divorce as an excuse either. I am 100% accountable for my own actions.

But I never had the relationship with either of my parents that I wanted to – until I got married. My mom, who I couldn’t stand the sight of when I was a rebellious teenager, is now one of my best friends. Who knows what happened. Maybe we both finally drifted to a middle ground that we could both relate to and it all just came together. But I know I worry that I will follow the same patterns and not get to have the relationship with my kids that I want until it is too late.

It must come down to time as well. Kids love when you spend time with them. It doesn’t even have to be doing anything special, just spending time together. I have a mother in law that does just that. She spends tons of time with them. They head down to the basement and play for hours. I don’t know if I could do that like she does. I want to, but it just doesn’t come natural. So I guess that’s another thing that really bothers me about it – it doesn’t come natural. I really have to work at it to make it happen. But if that’s what it takes, then so be it. Everything worth having is worth working for, right?

So I guess this concludes my therapy for the night. Writing this has actually helped me think some things through. I will make the effort to spend more time with them. To actually take “real” vacations. To build the family that I want us to be. We’ll see how this works out. Maybe the timing of this is perfect. Things are so chaotic at work right now that it is probably time to divert more of my energies towards my family, because they are clearly not appreciated at work anymore. But that’s an entirely different issue that I will also address in time.

OK, time’s up! There’s another patient that needs the couch for their therapy session next so I’ll just sign off until next time.

Effective September 4, 2003, motorcyclists over the age of 21 will no longer be required to wear a helmet.

This is an interesting development to me. When I was younger, I had a mighty Honda Hawk motorcycle. I rode that thing everywhere and I hated that I had to wear a helmet. So, a friend and I rode our bikes over the Ohio state line where there was no helmet law, to taste a little of the freedom that we felt we deserved. Man, I couldn’t wait. A soon as we got across the state line we pulled over, took off the helmets, and went for a ride. The first thing I noticed was the freedom of the wind in my hair – and I had a lot of it then. A whole lot of it. It was everywhere. And then I noticed how loud it was. All that wind and other outside noises. And then it happened – whapped by some kind of bug at 40mph. Square in the cheek. Now that was some stinging pain that I wouldn’t forget any time soon. And I pulled over, put on my helmet, and never looked back.

I have since sold that bike and don’t feel it’s worth the hassle of fighting with my wife over getting another one. Maybe after the kids are grown I’ll take that fight up again, but until then I’ll just admire all of your bikes out there from over here. So for me, that one small taste of the freedom I had craved ended up being enough. I actually liked the feeling of security that I got from wearing my helmet. I know, I know – they’re hot and leave you with a bad case of helmet head, but I would still rather wear one than not.

So I guess that’s what this new law is all about; you now have a choice. The state of Pennsylvania now feels that you are responsible enough to make your own choice when it comes to your safety. While I am sure that many of you can’t wait to rip that thing off your head, I am just as sure that many of you are quite happy with that thing right where it belongs – on your head.

But now I have to be prepared to answer a question that I am sure to hear coming from the car seats in back of me some time after September 4th; Daddy, why doesn’t that man have his helmet on? While this may not seem like a big deal to you, it is to me. See, as a parent, I am responsible, no, accountable for my kids and their actions up until they are legal adults. The same state that is granting you your freedom is also the same state that tells my kids that they do have to wear a helmet while riding a bicycle. A bicycle, which is not capable of going anywhere near as fast as your motorcycle. So I have to explain to my girls that although they are required to wear their helmets while peddling around in circles in our driveway, you are no longer required to wear your helmet while doing wheelies in heavy traffic on route 19 in Cranberry. That’s right – wheelies in traffic, during rush hour, on a very crowded route 19. I am the guy that you were next to in traffic when you did it. I didn’t get it as hearsay. I watched you do it myself. In disbelief.

I am not a fan of the newer bikes I see. They even look pretty uncomfortable to me. To me, a real bike is something along the lines of a Sportster or Fat Boy. Those are bikes. Real bikes. And they sound like pure testosterone. The others are rice rockets that seem to be ridden by irresponsible young men that have no regard for anyone but themselves. It will be those guys that lose 25% of their friends due to fatalities from not wearing a helmet. Maybe that’s best though. Most of you that I have seen on the rice rockets don’t seem to have too much regard for me and my family’s safety anyway.

To the rest of you out there that do ride responsibly, enjoy your new freedom. I’m sure you will make the choice that is right for you, and for the first time in a long time, you now have the ability to choose. Congratulations.

Hey Pennsylvania, does this mean you’re going to get rid of those pesky seat belt and drunk driving laws next?

A little quick research turns up that I do not, in fact, weigh anywhere near what a cow weighs.

So the average cow weighs 1600lbs. 1600! Those Aliens should have been able to abduct me and at least 4.61 of my closest friends (that all would have to weigh exactly 285lbs as well). So it had to have been some sort of malfunction in the beaming mechanism. Triple checked with the kids, and they swear it wasn’t them. The Alien theory now becomes more valid.

It is rare that I remember dreams that I have when sleeping anymore, but this one was too real…

Last night, I went to bed at a decent hour, 10:30pm, and went immediately to sleep. I woke up at 3:13am to use the bathroom. I know this, because anytime I have to get up in the middle of the night, I always check the clock in hopes that I still have hours of sleep left to go. It’s kind of like a game. If I check the clock and only have 15 minutes to go before I have to get up, it is very disappointing.

Anyway, back to the story. I went back to bed and could not fall asleep. I must have eventually fallen asleep after 4:15am because that’s the last time I remember seeing on the clock on my night stand. So there i am, apparently in a dream, when I hear a lot of loud banging coming from somewhere in the house. For whatever reason, I couldn’t move. I just laid there in my sleeping position and was frozen. Then I felt what I can only describe as someone crawling up on the bed between my wife and I. Now, I have 2 kids. The youngest one loves to climb in bed with us, but never this early. Plus, I did not hear our door open. So this crawling in to our bed thing lasted a couple minutes and then went away. Once the crawling stopped, the loud banging was gone as well.

I checked with my wife and she heard nor felt any of this stuff and said it must have all been a dream. Or was it?

How do I know it was not some failed attempt at an Alien abduction? I mean, I don’t really think about these things and have never stated pro or con about my beliefs in Aliens at all. But, I have seen enough movies to know that my “dream” had all the marks of what I have seen in movies. It would seem to me that an experienced Alien would make very little noise, survey the area, and use its powers/technology to simply beam the abductee up in the the space ship. So maybe Alien abductors have apprentices. Maybe the guy trying to abduct me was an apprentice in training and this was its first trip solo. The “real” Aliens (possibly Union Aliens) were probably waiting in the ship. If any of this is true, they’re probably all pretty ticked off a the apprentice for making so much noise and almost blowing their cover.

Now, I know what I look like. I see myself every day, and am saddened to report that I have gained back enough of the weight that I lost to now tip the scales at 285. Maybe their abduction ray tried to take me but couldn’t. Might not have had enough horsepower. If that is true, I am actually very offended, because in the movies I have seen them beam up cows, and even Buicks to their ships. Do I actually weigh more than a cow now? I’ll do some research on that one, but I am 99.999% positive that I don’t weight as much as a Buick.

Since my wife and kids, which all weight considerable less than I do, are all still accounted for this morning, I will have to go with the dream theory and leave it at that. But it was so real. It is actually very cool when you remember a dream. I used to dream numerous times a night when I was younger and I swear I remembered most of them. I was actually worried that I didn’t dream anymore and what that might mean, so I am glad to be able to remember one when it comes around again.

As always, feel free to use the Comment section if you have any. See ya!

Sometimes things happen. Sometimes things change that you really have no control over.

You can take different approaches on how to handle it, but the way you handle it might just end up saying something about the kind of person you are. There are a lot of people in this world that want what you have. It’s up to you to decide if those things are worth fighting for.

Initially, when something like this happens to me, as it has recently, my first instinct and reaction was anger. You have no idea how pissed this thing made me. I was mad getting in the car. Mad driving home. Mad when I told the story to my wife. My wife is an optimist. She always sees the good in situations and gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. I learn a lot from her. She got me to see the other side of things and realize not what I had lost in this situation, but what I still had. I have taken that a step farther and now also see what I will eventually gain.

So I am choosing to be the better person with this one. Don’t let if fool you though. I have my limits just like everyone else and have simply chosen to pick the battles that I want to fight. Many times, what seems to be such a big deal initially, ends up being no big deal at all.

So let the world around you beat their chests about things. Keep yourself grounded and always remember who you are inside, and always keep your eye on the final prize. Control what you are able to control. If maintaining that control eventually means finding yourself new employment, then so be it.

At this point in my life I find myself more entertained by these people than angry with them. While they gain little bits and pieces of what they perceive as control, I know that I am ultimately the guy at the opposite end of the leash calling the shots. It’s all pretty amusing if you allow it to be.

Dance monkeys.