A little quick research turns up that I do not, in fact, weigh anywhere near what a cow weighs.

So the average cow weighs 1600lbs. 1600! Those Aliens should have been able to abduct me and at least 4.61 of my closest friends (that all would have to weigh exactly 285lbs as well). So it had to have been some sort of malfunction in the beaming mechanism. Triple checked with the kids, and they swear it wasn’t them. The Alien theory now becomes more valid.